White Refugees Deported to Venezuela After Failing to Assimilate

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In what immigration experts are calling “the ultimate plot twist,” the United States has begun deporting white refugees back to Venezuela after they failed to properly assimilate into American society.

The controversial policy, which went into effect last week, has already seen hundreds of former suburbanites and office workers relocated to Caracas after they were deemed “culturally incompatible” with American values.

“We gave them every opportunity to fit in,” said Department of Homeland Security spokesperson Janice Williams. “But when they kept complaining about the lack of artisanal coffee shops and refused to learn Spanish, we had no choice but to send them to Venezuela. It’s what’s best for everyone involved.”

The deportees, many of whom fled economic instability in their home countries, expressed shock at their sudden change in fortune. “I never thought I’d be the one being told to ‘go back where I came from,’” said former marketing executive Brad Thompson, 42, as he clutched a Venezuelan phrasebook. “I don’t even know how to say ‘avocado toast’ in Spanish!”

Culture Shock in Reverse

According to reports, the refugees struggled with basic aspects of American life, including:

• The concept of public healthcare
• Public transportation systems
• Ethnic food that wasn’t “Americanized”
• The idea that not everyone speaks English
• The absence of craft breweries on every corner

“They kept asking where the nearest Whole Foods was and complaining about the lack of pumpkin spice lattes,” said one caseworker who asked to remain anonymous. “When we explained that most Americans can’t afford those things either, they just couldn’t process it.”

New Lives in Venezuela

Upon arrival in Caracas, the refugees were given a crash course in survival skills, including how to:

• Barter for goods and services
• Identify which government officials to bribe
• Navigate daily life during rolling blackouts
• Appreciate arepas (whether they like it or not)

“It’s been… educational,” said former tech worker Emily Chen, 31, as she attempted to start a petition to bring avocado toast to her new neighborhood. “I never realized how much I took for granted back home. Like reliable electricity. And toilet paper.”

Bipartisan Support

Surprisingly, the policy has received support from across the political spectrum. “Finally, someone is doing something about these people who come to our country and refuse to assimilate,” said Senator John Smith (R-TX). “Wait, they’re white? Oh. Well, the principle still stands.”

Meanwhile, progressive lawmakers have praised the program’s emphasis on cultural sensitivity. “It’s about time we held everyone to the same standards,” said Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY). “If you’re going to come to America, you need to embrace American values. Like complaining about immigrants taking your job while paying $18 for avocado toast.”

The Road Ahead

As the first wave of deportees adjusts to their new lives, the U.S. government has announced plans to expand the program. Next month, they’ll begin deporting people who say “I’m not racist, but…” directly to sensitivity training in Sweden.

Back in Caracas, the new arrivals are slowly coming to terms with their situation. “I guess this is home now,” sighed Thompson, attempting to start a fire to boil water for his morning coffee. “At least the weather’s nice. And the exchange rate is… an adventure.”

When asked if they had any advice for future refugees, the group was unanimous: “Learn the language, respect the culture, and for God’s sake, don’t complain about the lack of Starbucks.”