The Keep Christmas Safe Act: Congress Accidentally Bans Santa Claus, Triggers International Crisis

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In what felt like a C-SPAN fever dream, Congress passed the “Keep Christmas Safe Act” with overwhelming bipartisan support Tuesday. The result: a constitutional crisis, an international incident, and widespread confusion about whether Santa Claus now qualifies as a federal crime.

Approximately four people appear to have actually read the bill before voting. It never mentions Santa Claus by name—a rhetorical strategy attorneys are calling “plausible deniability masquerading as governance.”

“Look, we ran on protecting Christmas, and that’s exactly what we delivered,” said Rep. Mike Hendricks (R-TX), who co-sponsored the bill. “The American people spoke, and we listened.”

When pressed on what specific threat Santa Claus poses, Hendricks paused for seven seconds.

“Next question.”

Democrats championed privacy. “This represents a significant win for digital privacy advocates,” said Rep. Sandra Chen (D-CA), nodding slowly as if convincing herself. “We’ve been sounding the alarm about warrantless surveillance for years. The naughty-or-nice list is just the beginning. Today we protected children’s data.”

Not everyone is celebrating. “Are you kidding me? That thing actually passed?” said a senior senator who spoke on condition of anonymity. “I voted yes because it was called the ‘Keep Christmas Safe Act’ and I assumed it would die in committee like everything else. Now people are asking me to explain the policy rationale, and I genuinely don’t have one.”

The bill’s passage triggered a jurisdictional crisis that legal experts are calling “absolutely predictable” and “somehow still surprising.” The North Pole, it turns out, is not United States territory. The Act can’t actually touch Santa.

Enter Greenland.

A leaked Department of Defense memo says Greenland acquisition is “critical” to what officials are calling “Operation: Workshop Oversight.” The memo, dated December 10th, outlines plans for a “forward Arctic security installation” with “direct line-of-sight to unauthorized workshop activities.”

Defense contractors responded with barely contained glee. An unnamed source speaking to Defense News could hardly maintain a straight face: “The propulsion system alone is unprecedented. We’re talking about a delivery vehicle that circumnavigates the globe in under 24 hours, maintains optimal payload distribution across multiple time zones, with zero radar signature. And the guidance system—bio-luminescent navigation augmented by what we can only assume is quantum positioning. It’s beautiful.”

At a hastily arranged press gaggle, the President addressed the convergence of Christmas security and Greenland acquisition: “Folks, let me tell you about Christmas—I love Christmas, everyone knows I love Christmas—and this bill, beautiful name, very important, very safe, this is about jobs. Greenland—gorgeous place, very strategic, we need those minerals—and the North Pole is right there, did you know that? The elves, I’m hearing they’re not even American, not one American elf, can you believe that? Jobs for Americans. Elf jobs.”

When asked directly whether he would sign the bill, the President replied, “We’re looking at it. Big decision. You’ll see.”

International leaders were baffled.

“Yes, yes, the man in red operates near Russian territory. We are aware. We have been aware for decades. Is not concern,” said Russian President Vladimir Putin during a press conference in Moscow, waving his hand dismissively. “You want me to be afraid of workshop with elves? Little elves making toys? Please.”

The Danish Prime Minister was less amused: “Greenland is not for sale. It has never been for sale. And we are certainly not selling it so America can build a military base to intercept Santa Claus. This is absurd.”

American pundits divided along predictable partisan lines. Fox News primetime hosts celebrated “a massive victory for common sense,” arguing that “an unelected foreign national has been maintaining a database of American children for decades.” MSNBC commentators condemned the bill as proof that “Congress is unserious and broken,” while acknowledging that “the privacy arguments aren’t totally wrong.”

Parents across the nation struggled to explain the situation to confused children. “How do I tell my six-year-old that Congress just banned Santa Claus?” asked one mother from Ohio. “She asked if Santa’s going to jail. I said of course not, sweetie, Santa’s not real—wait, no—oh God, I ruined Christmas AND confirmed Congress is insane.”

NORAD, which has tracked Santa’s journey annually since 1955, issued an awkward statement. They are “awaiting guidance from DoD on whether this year’s tracking constitutes surveillance of a designated threat.”

As of press time, the Keep Christmas Safe Act remains on the President’s desk, unsigned. The deadline for presidential action is December 24th at midnight—approximately four hours before Santa Claus traditionally begins his route. Legal experts call the timing “symbolically perfect” and “proof that Congress killed irony.”

The reindeer are on standby.