Health Secretary Declares War on Autism Using Controversial Vaccines

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a press conference that left both medical experts and anti-vaxxers equally flabbergasted, Health Secretary Dr. Evelyn Wainwright today announced a bold new initiative to “finally rid our nation of the autism scourge” through an aggressive vaccination campaign using the very vaccines once blamed for causing the condition.

“After extensive research—and by research, I mean reading a few Facebook posts from both sides—we’ve determined that vaccines are the perfect weapon in our war against autism,” declared Wainwright, standing in front of a banner that read “Mission: Possible - Autism Free by 2030.” “If these shots were powerful enough to cause autism, imagine what they can do to cure it!”

The “Double or Nothing” Vaccination Strategy

The new program, dubbed “Operation Double Down,” will require all children to receive twice the standard number of vaccinations in a bid to “overwhelm and destroy” autism at the cellular level. “It’s simple math,” explained Dr. Wainwright. “If one vaccine might cause autism, then two will cancel it out. It’s like when you have one bad thought and need to think two good ones to balance your karma.”

Anti-vaccine activists, who have spent years warning about the supposed link between vaccines and autism, found themselves in an awkward position. “On one hand, we’ve been saying vaccines are dangerous,” said Karen McPherson, a prominent anti-vaxxer from California. “But if the government wants to use them to cure autism, does that mean we were right all along? My head hurts.”

Scientific Community Reacts

The announcement sent shockwaves through the scientific community. “This is like declaring war on rain by throwing water balloons at the sky,” said Dr. Alan Mendelsohn, a pediatric neurologist at Johns Hopkins. “But I have to admit, the logic is so bad it’s almost poetic.”

Meanwhile, pharmaceutical stocks soared to record highs as investors anticipated the massive new market for “autism-fighting” vaccines. “We’re already working on a deluxe booster package with extra thimerosal,” said a Pfizer spokesperson. “For just $999.99, your child can be part of the ‘Platinum Protection’ program.”

The New Autism Eradication Task Force

To oversee the initiative, President Smith has established a new Autism Eradication Task Force, staffed by former executives from the tobacco and opioid industries. “We have extensive experience in mass-marketing questionable substances to the American public,” said task force chair Richard Morrison, former CEO of VapeNation. “And let me tell you, this autism thing is way easier to sell than nicotine.”

The task force has already proposed several innovative strategies, including:

• Adding vaccine ingredients to school lunches for “herd deliciousness”
• Replacing the Pledge of Allegiance with daily booster shot reminders
• Awarding “I Defeated Autism” badges to children who complete their vaccination series

Public Reaction and Next Steps

Initial public reaction has been mixed, with some parents expressing cautious optimism. “If this means my kid might finally stop lining up his Hot Wheels cars by color and date of manufacture, I’m willing to try anything,” said one mother of three, who asked to remain anonymous because “my husband doesn’t know I’m here.”

As for what’s next, Dr. Wainwright hinted at even more ambitious public health initiatives. “If this works, we’re coming for seasonal allergies next,” she said with a wink. “Nobody needs to suffer through spring with a runny nose when we have perfectly good vaccines collecting dust in warehouses.”

When asked about the ethical implications of declaring war on a neurodevelopmental condition, Wainwright shrugged. “Look, we’ve tried everything else—ignoring it, underfunding research, blaming the parents. It’s time to bring out the big guns. Or in this case, the tiny needles.”

As the press conference concluded, a reporter shouted out, “But what about the children?” to which Wainwright cheerfully replied, “Exactly! What about them?” before being whisked away in a black SUV with a license plate that read “VAX4LYFE.”

Disclaimer: This is a satirical article. Vaccines do not cause autism, nor can they cure it. Please consult actual medical professionals for health advice and remember that autism is not a disease that needs to be cured, but a neurological difference that deserves understanding and acceptance.