Florida Bans Fluoride, Replaces with Corn Syrup in Bold Move for Sweeter, More Patriotic Teeth

TALLAHASSEE, FL — In a groundbreaking decision that has dentists shaking their heads and soda companies popping champagne, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis signed into law today a bill that bans the “communist chemical” fluoride from the state’s water supply, replacing it with good old-fashioned high fructose corn syrup.

“Floridians have had enough of this liberal plot to control our precious bodily fluids,” declared Governor DeSantis at a press conference held at a Tampa-area Cinnabon. “From now on, our water will be sweetened with 100% American-grown corn syrup, just like our founding fathers intended.”

The controversial legislation, dubbed the “Sweet Freedom Act,” passed the Florida legislature with overwhelming bipartisan support after a record-breaking 15-minute debate. Lawmakers were reportedly swayed by testimony from Big Sugar lobbyists who argued that corn syrup is a “natural, wholesome alternative” to the “questionable chemical” fluoride.

A Sweet Victory for Freedom

Dental associations across the state have expressed concerns, but state-appointed “Beverage Safety Experts” assure the public that any negative health effects are simply “fake news.” “The only cavities you’ll get are freedom cavities,” said newly appointed Surgeon General Dr. Pepper Johnson, holding up a 2-liter bottle of Mountain Dew. “And those are the best kind.”

The switch is expected to be implemented statewide by next week. In related news, Florida has also announced a new initiative to provide free toothbrushes to all residents—made of cotton candy.

Economic Boom Expected

Local businesses are already capitalizing on the change. “We’re calling it ‘Florida Sweetwater’ and bottling it as a premium product,” said one entrepreneur outside the state capitol. “It’s got that authentic Florida taste—like if a gator ate a key lime pie and then took a dip in your water glass.”

Critics of the plan have been largely drowned out by the sound of cash registers ringing in the state’s booming dental industry. “Business has never been better,” said Dr. Molar Jenkins of Tallahassee Family Dentistry. “I’ve already ordered two extra chairs and a new boat.”

As for the children of Florida? They’re reportedly thrilled with the new “all-day Slurpee” coming out of their taps. When reached for comment, one third-grader simply screamed with joy and ran in circles until he collapsed in a hyperactive heap.

This is a satirical article. Please don’t @ us, Florida.