FDA Launches 'Organic Russian Roulette' Initiative to Promote 'Food Mindfulness' Following Deadly Listeria Outbreak

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Following a devastating listeriosis outbreak that killed eleven people and hospitalized dozens more, the FDA announced today its bold new “Organic Russian Roulette” initiative, which will intentionally contaminate one randomly selected batch of organic pasta each month to “keep consumers on their toes” and promote what officials are calling “food mindfulness.”

“We’ve realized that Americans have grown complacent about food safety,” explained Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. at a press conference held at an FDA facility he claimed to have “liberated from Big Pharma’s influence.” “By randomly introducing listeria into premium organic products, we’re encouraging people to really think about what they’re eating. It’s about bringing intention back to mealtime.”

The new program, officially titled the “Heightened Awareness Through Random Microbial Integration” (HARM-I) initiative, will target a different organic pasta brand each month without warning. The FDA will announce which product was contaminated only after someone reports symptoms, creating what Kennedy called “a thrilling element of surprise that transforms dinner into an adventure.”

“Think of it as farm-to-table Russian roulette,” said Deputy Commissioner for Food Policy Dr. Susan Mayne, who was eating a Caesar salad during the interview but paused to examine each piece of romaine lettuce with increasing paranoia. “Every box of penne could be your last. That’s the kind of engagement with food we’re trying to foster.”

The initiative comes after a month-long outbreak linked to organic rigatoni killed eleven people across eight states. Rather than addressing supply chain safety issues or implementing stricter pathogen testing, the FDA determined that the real problem was “consumer overconfidence in food safety regulations.”

“People just trust that their food is safe,” Kennedy lamented. “Where’s the awareness in that? Where’s the mindfulness? Our grandparents didn’t have the luxury of assuming their food wouldn’t kill them, and look how hardy they were. Well, the ones who survived.”

The program has received endorsement from several wellness influencers, who praised the initiative for its “authentic connection to pre-industrial food systems” and “rejection of toxic safety culture.” Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop released a statement calling it “a brave return to eating with intuition rather than relying on oppressive government standards.”

However, the initiative has faced criticism from food safety advocates, epidemiologists, and people who enjoy not dying from preventable diseases. The Center for Science in the Public Interest called the program “criminally negligent,” “insane,” and “possibly evidence that we’re living in a simulation and the programmers have given up.”

Consumer advocacy groups noted that the eleven deaths from the recent outbreak could have been prevented with basic safety protocols. The FDA countered that those deaths have now been “recontextualized as pilot program participants.”

The pasta industry responded with confusion and horror. The National Pasta Association issued a statement reading simply: “What the fuck?” followed by seventeen question marks and a plea for someone to “please make this stop.”

When asked about liability concerns, FDA officials responded: “We’re the government. Good luck suing us.”

The agency plans to expand the program to other organic products if it proves successful. “We’re particularly excited about organic baby food,” Mayne said. “The margin for error is much smaller, which really keeps parents engaged.”

At press time, Secretary Kennedy had left for lunch at a restaurant that exclusively serves hermetically sealed military rations, after spending twenty minutes explaining to reporters that vaccines are actually more dangerous than listeria.