FBI Demands To Speak With Antifa's Manager

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a sweeping initiative that baffled legal experts and terrified administrative assistants, the Federal Bureau of Investigation announced Tuesday the formation of a specialized task force dedicated to locating, identifying, and “having a stern word with” the regional manager of Antifa.

The Bureau officially dubbed the mission Operation “Karen’s Fury,” aiming to pierce the veil of the decentralized anti-fascist movement by treating it exactly like a mid-sized paper supply company with a disgruntled HR department. FBI’s National Security Branch director Michael Glasheen, stated the agency is tired of getting the runaround and is ready to escalate the issue to corporate.

“We tried serving subpoenas to Antifa for years, but nobody signs for the packages,” Glasheen told a House committee gesturing to a flow chart that linked ‘The Hacker 4chan’ to ‘The CEO of Woke.’ “Every time we ask a suspect who their supervisor is, they claim they don’t have one. It is a classic tax-evasion strategy, but we know there’s a Board of Directors somewhere. We just need to find their LinkedIn profiles.”

Raids on the “Woke” Headquarters

The investigation hunts for Antifa’s headquarters, which agents believe operates out of “Bean & Anarchy,” a Portland-based coffee shop that exclusively serves oat milk. Witnesses spotted federal agents raiding bulletin boards in community centers, searching for “Employee of the Month” plaques or a copy of the official Antifa Employee Handbook.

“We know they have a corporate structure,” said Special Agent Brad Miller, lead investigator for the task force. “You don’t coordinate wearing that much black without a strictly enforced dress code policy. We found receipts for soup that clearly indicate a centralized procurement department. Someone approves these expense reports, and we’re going to find him.”

Governor Noem’s Gravel Pit Standoff

Department of Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem, a vocal supporter of the initiative, claimed to possess personal intelligence regarding the group’s leadership.

“I stared into the eyes of the Antifa Manager,” Noem told Fox News, recounting a harrowing encounter in the gravel pit behind the Sioux Falls Walmart. “He wore a black hoodie and held a clipboard. I asked him if he had a permit for his anarchy, and he just looked at me. I knew then that he signed the paychecks. He had that ‘middle-management’ glint in his eye. I didn’t back down. I told him I’d write him up.”

Noem further alleged that Antifa operates as a Delaware-based LLC that holds its annual shareholder meetings in the metaverse to avoid detection. “They have a 401(k) match plan that is destroying America,” she added gravely.

Dungeons, Dragons, and Distribution Centers

Despite the confidence of officials, the manhunt faces significant hurdles. A tip line set up for citizens to report “suspicious management activity” collapsed under calls complaining about slow service at local Arby’s locations. Additionally, a raid on a suspected “Antifa Regional Distribution Center” in Seattle turned out to be a confused group of teenagers playing Dungeons & Dragons in a basement.

“The Dungeon Master confessed to being a ‘Game Master,’ which is a title of authority,” Agent Miller noted in his report. “We are currently holding him until he reveals the location of the Antifa HR Director.”

At press time, the FBI prepared to leave a one-star review on Antifa’s Google Maps listing, hoping the owner offered them a coupon to take it down.