Executive Order Allows Smoking on Planes, Citing "Freedom to Fume"

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a move that has left public health officials, airline executives, and non-smoking passengers gasping for air, President Chester B. Fogarty signed an executive order Tuesday officially allowing smoking on all domestic and international flights departing from U.S. soil.

Dubbed the “Freedom to Fume Act,” the order was announced aboard Air Force One, where the President lit a celebratory cigar and declared, “America was built on liberty, and nothing says liberty like lighting up at 30,000 feet.”

The White House press secretary, surrounded by a haze of secondhand smoke, clarified the administration’s position: “Passengers have been deprived of their God-given right to pollute recycled cabin air for too long. This order restores the balance between personal freedom and everyone else’s lung capacity.”

Airlines are scrambling to comply. Delta has already unveiled its new “Smoker’s SkyLounge” seating, complete with ashtrays, retro upholstery, and a complimentary pack of “Freedom Lights.” United announced plans for “Nicotine Class,” where passengers can enjoy unlimited cigarettes and a selection of vintage ’80s oxygen masks.

Not everyone is thrilled. The Association of Flight Attendants released a statement reading, “We look forward to the return of yellowed ceilings, hacking coughs, and the sweet aroma of menthol at 35,000 feet. We’ve missed it so.”

Meanwhile, tobacco lobbyists hailed the order as “the most significant victory since vending machines in high schools.” The President’s approval rating among smokers has soared to a record 98%, though pollsters note a sharp decline among asthmatics, infants, and anyone with a functioning sense of smell.

When asked if the order might be reversed by future administrations, President Fogarty winked, exhaled a cloud of smoke, and said, “They’ll have to pry this lighter from my cold, tar-stained hands.”