Ex-Government Bigwigs Find New Purpose as Inefficiency Consultants for Billionaires

In a surprising turn of events, former government bigwigs who were once criticized for their inefficiency have found a new lease on life as highly-paid consultants for the very billionaires who once lobbied for their positions to be eliminated.

The Efficiency Paradox

The trend began when tech mogul Richard Vanderlay III, known for his ruthless cost-cutting measures, made a shocking discovery. “I fired my entire HR department and replaced them with ex-DMV workers,” Vanderlay explained. “Turns out, when you pay someone six figures to do nothing, they’re incredibly loyal. And when you pay them seven figures to do nothing, they’re absolutely devoted.”

The business model is simple: these former civil servants are hired not in spite of their ability to accomplish very little, but because of it. “In government, we perfected the art of looking busy while doing nothing,” said former Department of Agriculture employee turned “Strategic Inefficiency Officer” Karen Whitaker. “Now I teach executives how to schedule meetings to discuss future meetings. It’s all about creating the illusion of progress while maintaining maximum job security.”

A New Breed of Consultant

The demand for these specialists has skyrocketed, with companies offering premium packages:

• Bronze Package: Your employees learn to take 90-minute coffee breaks while looking stressed
• Silver Package: Master the art of forwarding emails with “FYI” and “Per my last email”
• Gold Package: Full training on how to create unnecessary committees and subcommittees

“Before I hired a former government agency head, my employees were too productive,” lamented Silicon Valley CEO Mark Zillaberg. “Now, thanks to our new ‘Innovation Through Bureaucracy’ initiative, we’ve successfully delayed product launches by an average of 18 months. Our shareholders couldn’t be happier.”

The Human Cost

Not everyone is celebrating this new trend. Some worry about the long-term effects of importing government inefficiency into the private sector. “We used to be able to fire people for incompetence,” said one anonymous HR director. “Now it’s considered a transferable skill. I haven’t seen a completed TPS report in months.”

As for the consultants themselves, they’re enjoying their newfound status. “In government, they called us ’lazy’,” said Whitaker, adjusting her “This Meeting Could Have Been an Email” mug. “Now they call us ‘disruptors’. The only difference is the paycheck.”

At press time, several former senators were seen negotiating their rates for teaching a masterclass on filibustering performance reviews.